Love is conditional.

My wife and I have come up against a topic a few times in jest that has stirred debate in the past about the depths of true love. In the movies, poems, stories or other fantasies of love we're taught that love is unconditional! True love has no boundary. I, callously, find this to be a big fat hairy lie on the wart of sentimentalism.

Love is conditional. Under specific conditions anyone can stop loving another person or thing for that matter. Love that Chilly Cheeseburger? The first time you find a large toenail hanging off the bun you may find that love quelched. Love your high school sweetheart? As soon as you walk into the locker room after the big game to find your cheerleader honey doing "sit-ups" on the JV coach you find the brick wall on the highway of endless amore.

Anyone who denies these truths has either A) never been truly in love or B) exists in a fantasy bubble-city filled with Meg Ryan and Hugh Grant clones. A recent discussion with my Ladylove brings forth the truth of this sage wisdom.

"If I became a vampire, would you let me turn you?" my wife asked after the completion of a True Blood episode.

"I don't know, honey. As much as I love you, I really don't hate the sun as much as you and I've tasted enough of my blood in this lifetime to let me know I hate the taste."

"What if I were a werewolf?"

"I'd totally let you shred and turn me into a werewolf," I replied hastily. "They get all the cool things with long life and immunity to diseases, plus I'd get an excuse to go psycho once a month like most women do!"

"If you turned into a zombie, I think I'd have to join you, because I wouldn't want to go on alone," my wife noted.

I informed my crestfallen wife that if she went zombie I'd crush in her skull and run.

See? We have conditions on our love. I'd join my gal for werewolvery, most likely hit up a life of lightless blood-drinking, but when it comes to being a mindless meat-machete it's game over! I guess I could say I would kill my zombie-bride out of love because I couldn't bear to see her in such a horrid state (nothing cool about zombies, kids), but that'd be lying to you all. The conditions of my love are set pretty high, though, so I feel like I'm on pretty good ground.